UK Property Market

Current property prices are rocketing, particularly inside the M25. Ignoring all the added extras such as the stamp duty and home information packs; in London you can now expect to pay up to 8.4 million pounds for your home, and even that will only buy you an empty coke can in a gutter in Essex. If you want a coke can with views of the river then triple it. Empty cans of Sprite cost even more.

This is having a knock on effect on commuters who are now being forced to live in trees on the moon and make a six month journey to and from the office each day.

The situation has been further complicated by the fact that prices are currently rising faster than the speed of light.

This sharp price rise has in itself caused a scientific anomaly that has forced scientists to rewrite Einstein’s theory of relativity. Whereas previously Einstein calculated that E = MC2, E is energy, M is mass and C is the speed of light.

However because the speed of light has now been overtaken by the speed of rising house prices in London, the new formula for the theory of relativity now looks like this;-

E =M [London House Prices (god they’re so flippin expensive, it’s a joke) divided by (blimey and that’s just for a bedsit) multiplied by (sod it we’ll just have to move to Hackney then) minus (Apparently it’s getting quite trendy now anyway)]

This new formula has enraged modern physicists. Although that’s less to do with science and more to do with the fact that they’ve been refused planning permission for their new conservatories.

Fortunately, presenter of Channel 4’s Property Ladder, Sarah Beeney has come up with an exciting solution to the problem.

“I think that the theory of relativity can exists alongside rocketing property prices in London” She said.

“All they need to do is knock through this wall here, to create an open plan kitchen breakfast room with a cool contemporary feel. Very popular with the family market”

Einstein then came back from the dead to respond to this statement.

“But I really like the idea of having a separate living space for the kids” he said, (in German). "The way I see it they can make as much noise as they like and me and the wife can enjoy this open plan terrace we’re planning to create above the ground floor extension."

“Well, it’s up to you” Sarah Beeney said. “But I really think you need to start looking on this place as an investment rather than as somewhere you would like to live.

Einsten got all huffy at that point and challenged Sarah Beeney to a fight behind the vending machine after work.

The debate continues.

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